Opice had a(nother) problem. He was fresh out of Czechs.

  "What?!" he worried. "No Czechs?!"

  I have an adventure planned, but I can't find a guest willing to take me.
  That's not fair!"

Monkey stomped around the kitchen, "No fair! No fair! No fair! OUCH!" he stubbed his toe on a chair-leg. "Ouch!" he hopped on his other foot. "Ouch!" hop. "Ouch!" hop. Limp, "No fair!" Limp/hop, "No fair!" Limp, limp, "No fair;" he flopped down on the floor.

I asked if he was done yet.

"No," he pouted pushing his lower lip up and out.

When you're done, let me know, because I think I know where you can get a Czech who hasn't met you yet.

He straightened up, "Has he heard of me?"

I don't think so.

"Coooool. A new fresh Czech. I will have so much fun with him."

Editor's note: this is a very long story so pack some snacks for the trip.

Monkey Meets the Victim of His Attention

Mohu vám představit Opice, I introduce Monkey to Lukáš as if I spoke the language.

Mohu vám představit pana Lukáš Dvořák, I say to Monkey as if he would listen.

Monkey says, "Ahoj dude," in Czech(Eng)lish.
'Ahoj' (pronounced ahoi) is Czech for 'aloha' in Hawaiian [two of the most opposite languages in the world. Hawaiian is all vowels, Czech is all consonants.] Anyway, ahoj means hello. It means goodbye. It means ahoy in sailor speak. But Bohemians don't say 'dude.' They say 'vole.' Monkey should have said "Yo vole" if he wanted to speak true California Czechlish. (I know, too much information.)

Opice declares, "I will call you Lukey and you will come when I call because that way you will have the best tourist trip with me in charge of showing you everything and explaining it.

"Let's get going. We've got lots to see today and if you want to enjoy all the adventures I have in mind you'll need to bring money in your pockets for us because I don't have any."

"Try to keep up. There's going to be a test after the trip to see how much you owe me for the knowledge."

He goes back into Guide-mode. "Behind me is the famous Glory Hole sticking out of the lake like a spillway because that's what it does--overflows when there's too much water in the lake. Ha! As if we could ever have too much water in California!"

Lukey has many questions but wants one answer, "Can I see eagles here?"

After a long drive thru many microclimates and hills and valleys and Napa Valley during which Monkey subjects Lukáš to dumbfoundingly unimportant explanations of everything Opice wants to talk about, they finally arrive at the Old Faithful Geyser.

"Behold the geyser!" he declares.

The Czech is unimpressed. "That is it?"

"That's it!"

"I see no gejzír. I know about gejzírs. We have one in Karlovy Vary."

Behold Lukey holding Monkey

Opice has worked his magic and conned another Czech companion into posing for a foto.

"Now that I've got him scared, we can move on to petrification."

In a few minutes they drive
to their next stop.

Petrified Forest

Monkey puts on his tour guide hat,
"Welcome to the stoned trees.

"Here we see a living tree growing
thru a petrified tree. If we knew why,
we would know the answer to this and
many other unasked questions."

It's been a long trip and there's a long way to go yet.

Monkey takes the tour on the road again. "Welcome to St. Helena. Please pronounce the name correctly: hell-LEEN-a.

The area may have been named by the Russians who came to this area in the 1840s. But since no Russian would say it that way--I'm doubting they did.

"Here we are at Beringer Winery. The tours and tasting used to be free. Now they are very expensive. You may take a few pictures before we get caught and have to leave."

Click the picture right for a big blowup.

"Whatcha doin'?" Opice asks Lukáš.

"I am fotografing the mozaiky."

"The what?"

"The floor squares."

"Oh, you mean the tessellated tesserae." (Lukey looks bewildered.) "See?" Monkey points to his tour brochure. "It says so right here so I must be right about something."

The Rest of the Story (best left to your imagination):

Lukáš and Opice drive to the not-to-be-overlooked Corison Winery.

"You're in for a real treat, Lukey. Unlike the big, crowded places in Napa Valley, our tour will be private." He pauses to check his iPhone before continuing. "Let me tell you about the wine you will taste. Cathy Corison produces artisan Cabernet Sauvignon without compromise."

"What is 'artisan'?" Lukey asks.

"It is a kind of spring where water constantly wells up out of the ground like a cold geyser."

The explanation makes little sense; but the Czech has come to expect that on this trip.

Monkey continues, "Kronos Vineyard is ... growing on gravelly loam soils, the gnarly old veterans produce scant yields... Okay, that's enough. Let's go in."

"How do you know all this?"

Monkey hands Lukey his iPhone. "It's on their website."

"I think you left a lot out."

"Do you want to taste wine or not?" The tourist vigorously nods his head showing Opice the happiest smile of the day. [Not counting the tourists laughing at Lukáš holding a Monkey at Old Faithful.]

As Lukey tastes, Monkey and the wine-pourer have a nice long talk. They both agree Armstrong Redwoods Park is the best and Lukey has to see it before returning to Czech Republic. Unfortunately this happy discussion accidentally causes the pourer to be too generous to the visiting Czech who lost his memory of the experience the next day. However, Lukáš does remember that the wines were most excellent. And he enjoyed a short nap on Hwy-12's traffic jam to I-80.

"Wake up, Lukey!" Opice shakes the napper slumped on the back seat. "Now we are at the Jelly Belly factory for candy tasting and our last tour today."

"Good," agrees Lukey on many levels. He's tired, but free candy appeals to him. And he enjoys factory tours. Anything with robots is good. (or tractors or combines -- the country boy likes to drive the big equipment on his parent's farm.) And he's not disappointed. There are robots lifting and stacking boxes, pouring trays of candy onto conveyor belts, one robot even waves a sign thanking everyone for coming and reminding them to eat more sweets. Both Czechs promise they will and each receives a free bag of belly-flops.

This concludes Lukáš Dvořák's first official Monkey Adventure.

"Not yet it doesn't," Opice butts in. "You still haven't told me if you're related to Antonín Dvořák, the composer."

At last Lukey has a chance to get back at his host. "Yes, I will be. He'll be my son."

Now some might think this would have been the final word--but that never happens unless Monkey says it.

"If Antonín Dvořák is gonna be your boy, why didn't he play rock-n-roll?"

Again stunned by his host's confident confusion, Lukáš can only shrug, "I... I... don't know."

"That reminds me." Opice adds, "I have to test you to find out what you know from our trip. You owe me!"